Dying Matters Week: Final Thoughts From our Managing Director

I could have reduced the burden on my Mum, if my Dad had spoken about his funeral wishes before he unexpectedly died. Managing Director of Ashwell Home Care Services, Phil Ashwell speaks candidly, as he explains, at the end of Dying Matters Week, why it’s so important to have conversations about death.

Phil’s Story

When Phil’s father died, aged in his 70’s, it was a shock, and then Phil’s Mum was left to organise a funeral at a time when she was grief-stricken, and in shock, and although Phil wanted to help his Mum, to help ease the burden, the conversation had never taken place between Phil and his Dad about what happens next.

Phil has had three close family members die, and in each case, he wishes that there were things that could have been done differently.

The second instance was when Phil’s Aunt passed away, shortly after receiving a cancer diagnosis.  She was adamant that she didn’t want to die in hospital, but left all other decisions and arrangements to Phil. Phil says that he wishes that he’d been able to challenge her to ensure that the people who meant the most to her were able to get what they needed, but in her view, she was being helpful by not dictating the details, and leaving the decisions to Phil.

The third time that Phil lost someone close to him, it was his mother – and he’d been determined to have the conversations around death with her so that he wasn’t in the position that he’d been in before… but the conversations were easily avoided, laughed off, or never really addressed.

Phil says that had the conversations taken place, effectively, and he’d been able to understand what each of his relatives wanted at end of life and in death, what songs they’d wished would be played at their funeral, whether they had any unfulfilled desires that could have been filled etc, it would have promoted acceptance on his part, and offered a sense of peace once his relatives had passed on, as he would be confident that the decisions he was making were what his Dad, Aunt, Mum would have wanted.

Phil encourages everyone to have these conversations around end-of-life care, death, and funeral wishes – but he accepts that it’s not an easy conversation to have. He says “I know that these conversations are really difficult to have, but don’t put them off. It’s really important to start talking about dying, and to get the plans and preparations in place – because it WILL make a difference”.

Let us know if we can help you to have these conversations.